The Sideways

Saturday marked six months since my life went sideways (hereinafter referred to on this blog and in general as “the Sideways”).  Time is kind of crazy.  It feels like it's creeping along, going nowhere fast, and all of a sudden six months have gone by but it really feels like twice that.  A lot of healing can take place in six months if you’re willing to put in the work, and yes, it’s straight up work to recover from something like this.  But from where I’m living life right now, things look a lot different than I thought they would back in February. 

The most surprising thing is that I’m happy.  I didn’t think it possible so soon—and there’s part of me that feels guilty about it (Oh Catholic guilt, ye are dependable and have such staying power!)—but I’m not going to deny it.  At times there is still sadness, and tears, and looking back and thinking What if? (a waste of time, unless you choose to learn from the answers), but overall, I can officially say I'm more happy than not.  And that is crazy good news.  Of course there is still lots of work ahead, but I am confident the path I'm on is the right one for me.

Taking stock, there are several reasons.  The support of my friends and family has been overwhelming.  I am blessed in a way that I really didn’t realize, maybe I couldn’t realize, if it weren’t for the Sideways.  In fact, I think I could say that about a lot of things now.

I also sought help immediately, in the form of a great therapist who is a perfect fit for me, and also in the form of a divorce support group.  Support groups are a new thing for me, and I was hesitant terrified to attend my first session.  (The first night I went, I had half a glass of wine to get myself out the door.  Only half.  Don’t judge.)  But meeting and talking to these other wounded people over the past months, people of every imaginable background, age, length of marriage, cause of divorce, is helpful in a way I'm not sure I can describe.  Sharing advice and stories and heartache and tears and tea and progress with these people, be they a 65-year old woman married for 29 years or a 20-something guy married for less than 1 year, has been eye-opening.  Misery loves company, yes, but it takes a village.  

And finally, there’s the social stuff, the refusing-to-sit-home-alone, getting-my-butt-out-of-the-house stuff.  To quote Coldplay, this was The Hardest Part (also a bit of a theme song for the Sideways, at least at first).  I decided very early on I wanted to meet new people and try new things.  But I’m pretty shy, and I knew it would be well outside my comfort zone.  I had one misfire, but I didn’t give up, and it's paying off.  I've run a marathon PR in Oregon and took my first weekend trip as a singleton with my cousins from Iowa.  (I survived! By myself! In a hotel room! Alone!)  I’ve taken a photography class, something I’ve been wanting to do for years.  I’ve taken a cooking class, and gone to cookbook release parties (Seattle food culture is awesome!).  I’ve done a crazy-ass, super fun relay race with 11 people I’d never before met, and had more fun in 30 hours than I can remember having in years and years and years.  (I was going to do a post on Ragnar, but gave up.  Ragnar is, in a word, indescribable.  You'll have to do it to find out.)  I've started trail running, have run back to back trail half marathons, and I'm running my first 50K in October.  Next year, I'm going to double down and try to shave over 10 minutes off my marathon PR and qualify for Boston.  To that end, I’ve joined a new running group at Green Lake and made new running buddies.  And on Saturday, I went to a running group BBQ on my apartment roof (again, terrified!) and didn’t end up going home until long after I normally turn into a pumpkin. 

See, I'm not making this $hit up!

The kid in the bottom had a "Kick Me I'm Konrad" sticker on his back.  Gotta love Seattle parents!

Making a considered decision early on about how I was going to get through this is one of the best things I’ve ever done.  It’s not easy to look at yourself, warts and all, and decide what to keep, what to reshape, what to toss out, and what to create from scratch.  But it is rewarding, and it is possible, even now.  As recently as a month ago, I felt like the Sideways was the only thing going on in my life, that it was just so huge that it was all there was of me and that I had nothing else to offer to anyone.  When I met new people, it felt like there was nothing else to talk about because it was all there was, but I wasn’t yet ready to talk about it, either.  So for a while, I didn't feel genuine, because I held so much back.  But I realized the other day, that's changed.  I'm not sure when it happened, but the Sideways is no longer overshadowing my life.  This, my friends, is a Good Thing (with apologies to the vegetarians in the house).